Lucky you, you get two different stories for the price of one, which really is $0 because you don’t pay anything to read this, except precious time. Oh, that sentence could have gone on forever. I am the Queen of Run-on Sentences. I haven’t been officially crowned but I may just make m’self a cardboard and aluminum foil crown. Back to the first story.

Last week, I was meeting former coworkers at a local hangout for drinks. I was all excited until I found out we were meeting at a place where a former date of mine was employed as a bartender. I went on one date and basically decided there wasn’t going to be a second one. How did I determine that? First, he was a huge Jimmy Buffett fan. I am not. I could probably name two songs and I have never owned an album. Second, all during dinner, whenever I said something that he liked, he would hold up his wine glass for me to cheers with mine or…hold his fist up for me to bump.

Yes, my friends, the good old “Rock and Explode” minus the explode. I was fascinated by this behavior. You can take the bartender out of the bar but you can’t take the bar out of the bartender.

So I was worried about showing up to the bar for fear that I would see him there and plus I have gained some weight since I last saw him. Lame, I know, but I am just keeping it real. So I get there and guess what??

He wasn’t working.

I mentioned this to my friend sitting next to me. And he asks, “Wasn’t he the same guy that got up during dinner and excused himself because he ‘had to go pee-pee?'”

Yes, he was. And that one reminder was enough for me to forget my fear and to realize why there never was a second date.

Story 2

Jack has taken to eating rocks and wood. I don’t know why. Maybe it is a vitamin deficiency. Which my mom says all the time when she gives into a craving. Example: “I don’t know why I am craving a steak so bad. I must need the iron.”

Note: I have tried to use this same reasoning with Cheetos and Twinkies but seeing as there are no vitamins or actual food located in these items, it doesn’t quite work.

Back to Jack.

It’s almost like Jack doesn’t know what he is doing. He sits out on the front porch and chews on the wood railing. He was walking around with a piece of brick in his mouth this last weekend. And I had to rescue two rocks from his mouth this evening. He is Barney Rubble in dog-form. Why am I concerned? Because for the last week, I have been getting up on average two times a night to let him out to take care of business. Better known as Jack’s Rock and Explosion.

Sincerely,

Lynne with an E…xplosive Canine